Another Problem With Ego

As if our egos didn’t cause us enough problems, it turns out, it is the ego that makes love hurt. If it weren’t for our egos, we could love without grasping. If we loved somebody, we could, with confidence, expect them to love us too. Without our egos, we wouldn’t see any reason a person shouldn’t love us. Without our egos, we would likely love everybody.  We would not have to choose who deserves our limited love, because our love would be unlimited.  People’s quirks would not threaten our egos and so we would love quirky people just as much as people like us. That kind of love would be free of pain. What we usually get though, is painful, ego love.

Since we all have egos, we feel like our love is limited and we pick carefully who we will share our love with.  We maintain a tightly guarded inner circle, which we want to invite a certain, specific somebody to join. Once we have chosen somebody to love, the pain begins. It is often pleasurable pain, but deep pain nonetheless. Pain comes in confirming the love.  Unfortunately, when we first fall in love, we are functionally insane, so our powers of objective confirmation are weak. For example, we may confirm our love by waiting for a phone call or a text. We will time how long it takes for a text response. Anything more than a few seconds, we start second guessing the love. That is painful. That is a game of the ego. It has nothing to do with love.

The final blow of the ego is the heartache when love “ends”. During the relationship, the ego begins to define itself in terms of the other person and love. When the relationship is over, the ego sees that it was defined by a false promise and it goes through the painful process of reinventing itself.

These are a few ways that the ego turns love into pain.  Love itself is not painful. Grasping and making demands of love is what hurts.  Most love between people is a meeting of egos. We can expect pain.

Love without ego is comfortable, and eternal in any given moment.


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